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i don't believe in counting stars
May 24, 2013
i.
i don’t believe in counting stars
—the fickleness!—
—the futility!—
—the betrayal!—
i believe in counting
the empty holes the stars leave
all too often for me to forget:
it helps as the years pass by
ii.
i don’t believe in counting
on anyone:
—the fickleness!—
—the futility!—
—the betrayal!—
i do believe in counting on
the likelihood of disappointment:
it helps as the years pass by
© Caitlin D., Tyler, TX
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 14 comments.
WriteOrWrong BRONZE said...
on Aug. 3 2013 at 11:03 am
I think strength can be gained by a beautifully sad line. Make the narrator explain his reason for it being better to not have expectations while simultaneously showing the readers that in effort to avoid potential betrayal or disappointment you end up being unhappy anyway. Break their hearts with naive self-'protection.' Hope that helps.
WriteOrWrong BRONZE said...
on Jul. 26 2013 at 11:55 pm
OH MY GOSH! The second I read 'counting the empty holes the stars leave' I made a mental note to ask you if you had ever read "Preface to a Twent Volume Suicide Note!" THAT'S MY FAVORITE POEM! That is so superlative, cool, marvelous, amazing that it was your inspiration. As you can see I am going to be a little biased in my feedback- I adore this, obviously. I love how it's broken it two. I love the repeated three words. I love how relatable it is in the way it avoids expectations. I love how counting is used very similarly but somehow so cleverly different. What I wasn't crazy about was the lines 'it helps as the years pass by.' I like the idea behind that line but I would like it to e worded different. Magnifique! Incroyable! J'adore. Fantastic work. Sorry I wasn't much help with constructive feedback this time, I am a little too blinded by my love for the inspiration. I am so glad I randomly clicked on this poem!
Carpe-Caffeam GOLD said...
on Jun. 10 2013 at 2:44 pm
I'm sorry that it took betrayal to write this poem, but it was AMAZING! :D Great job!
You haven't overstepped. I appreciate the enthusiam you show for this poem. It means a lot to me. To see someone take time to try to better this poem. Not a lot of people will do that. But I appreciate that you do. I will keep on working on this poem with all the suggestions you've given me. Let's hope for the best. THANKS.
Okay then ill be glad to help. feel free to return the favor with anything of mine that you have read some have been changed a little since i sent them in. okay in the first stanza you say empty holes, i thought that mabye a better word could be used to amp up the feeling like desolate holes or abandoned or mabye something like solitary, i feel like it would create a more emotional attachment to the reader with descriptive words. also the " all to often for me to forget" could go something like "all to often to be forgoton" i think that when generalised like that it allows the reader to further place themselves into the desired emotion. all the last line in both stanzas i felt could be something like "to help as the years pass by" but instead of just saying pass you could say something that would convey a sence of time like creep or rush or mabye trickle or tick. The only other thing i thought of would be to change the word likelyhood in the second stanza and replace it with somethng more detrimental like " the crushing weight" or shattering or mabye opressive. i know its alot and sorry if i have oversteped a boundry i know how ican be sometimes if it is a really personal poem. i hope my input has helped :)
Laugh-it-Out PLATINUM said...
on May. 30 2013 at 9:53 pm
Awwwww Mckay, don't feel down or depressed, this is amazing!! Also, we all have those moments when that one special friend betrays you, trust me I have definitely been there. I like that you put in some punctuation and the fickleness part. Very creative. A little somber. Great work, keep rockin
I hope that constructive critisism is cool i really like this peice but as soon as i read it i had so many ideas on what would make it more effective and jaring to the soul just little things that that i felt would deeper engrave the emotions i felt hiding behind the words. i really dont mean to offend it is a really good peice the way it is honestly, if you wouldnt have a problem with it i would really like to work on this peice with you :) i can totally relate plus i love stars :)
