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Inner Battle
August 20, 2013
I used to keep it together,
holding onto the part of me that was sane.
An iron grip,
a perfect façade,
I had an impenetrable fortress.
No one could reach the walls of sanity
I had built.
I walk a path alone, forever forced
To guard my fortress.
But then a situation occurred.
An opposing force approached
At the only moment I ever let my guard down.
What it was? I don’t know.
What it did? It pains me to discuss.
I had a flawless plan, flawless
Protection.
I was impenetrable!
I, however, did not expect this surprise.
A blow to the head, a wall was down.
Another blow;
Another wall down.
I’m losing my grip.
I grit my teeth against the darkness growing.
Another wall gone.
A darkness emerges.
My sanity shrinks as the beast rises.
It steps out of my fortress and walks.
I feel myself weaken.
The black beast glides over the ruins.
Regaining breath and balance, I walk.
The beast looms over, shadowing me,
And I feel a chill.
I manage to muster a glare at it,
And the beast stares blankly back.
It moves on.
I stumble by.
The beast brushes the foliage near my fortress,
And I hold my hands to my head in pain.
It soon moves out of view.
I enter the ruins dejected, pained, and depressed.
Sitting in a corner next to a chain, I assume a fetal position,
And wait for the battle to begin.
© Maria H., Cincinnati, OH
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 27 comments.
LaChouette GOLD said...
on Dec. 2 2013 at 6:50 pm
Yeah, I see what you mean. I'll be sure to work on the parts you mentioned. Thanks for the feedback!
Wow. I really liked this poem. In my opinion, I liked that you kept everything general because you allowed the poem to become personal to every reader. Everyone can think of your poem different based on how it applies to them. A lot of your word choice was fantastic and fit perfectly but where you say "But then a situation occurred"-- it feels like an abrupt and awk transition. I also like the fact that as the poem gets closer to the climax, the lines become shorter. As if someone were gasping for breath in between. It added a lot of effect in my opinion. Overall, I thought the poem was really original and really well put together... Well done! (:
Quartermaster PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 29 2013 at 2:15 pm
I loved the fact that nothing in your story was spoonfed. Your metaphor of a monster INSIDE the castle was especially unique and surprising. I expected the monster to attack from beyond the walls, not from within. To make the metaphor even clearer, specify what caused the "blow to the head". This statement is to ambiguous. Work on the statements "then a situation occured", "I did not expect this surprise" and "I assume a fetal position". The diction and wording of each sounded too straightforward, and too sophisticated. The verbs you used lacked strong connotations, and therefore the sentences felt anticlimatic after your poetic and tension filled paragraphs. Fascinating concept, keep working on it!
LaChouette GOLD said...
on Oct. 12 2013 at 5:30 pm
Very true. He always does that. I don't think I've seen that one. It sounds like it's one of the many arcs in that series. Anyway, thanks for the comment and the feedback!
OldYoungOne said...
on Oct. 12 2013 at 1:41 am
It was one of those episodes where the girl has amazing genjustu but because of an id inside her mind she is very dangerous. Kurani sensei tries to save her but Naruto ends up doing so (like most of the time)
LaChouette GOLD said...
on Oct. 7 2013 at 7:23 am
Thank you for reading and thanks for the feedback! I love Naruto and I'm curious as to which episode you're talking about too.
OldYoungOne said...
on Oct. 4 2013 at 10:35 pm
This reminds me of a Naruto episode of ID. I love it and the craziness of it all. I could feel the frenzy within me to hurry up and figure out what was going to happen. I LOVED IT. I especially enjoyed the discription of the monster of insanity and the detail of the fortress, the symbol of one's mind. I would have loved for it to have gone farther into something like how peope of the outside spectate the inner battle, but seeing as I can't see how this could be done without compromising the poem I would suggets just toying with the idea for another poem. Well Done
LaChouette GOLD said...
on Sep. 17 2013 at 6:46 pm
Thank You!
LaChouette GOLD said...
on Sep. 1 2013 at 8:42 pm
Aww, thanks a lot!
SarahHarmon GOLD said...
on Sep. 1 2013 at 8:12 pm
Wow, wow, and well, WOW. Poetry dosn't always interest me, and when people ask me to give them feedback on a poem I end up accidently skimming through due to boredom. However, the first lines captivated me. It was sad yet endearing and the imagery was intense. I rated it 5 stars. I don't know why this wasn't chosen for the magazine or made an editor's choice.
LaChouette GOLD said...
on Sep. 1 2013 at 6:02 pm
Thanks! The poem is supposed to represent losing one's sanity- well, my interpretation of it, anyway- and the beast is the insane part of this person breaking free. You were right about the part of the beast not caring when I said it stares 'blankly back.' The way I thought of it was the beast being insane means it doesn't care about who or what is around it and it and it essentially goes blank and will just act. Yeah, I do understand where you're coming from when you say make it clearer. I'll try to incorporate that when I edit. Thanks for the feedback!
This poem was so sad, but yet so beautiful. First of all, your construction of it and overall format, that was very well done! You use your punctuation and line structure to add to the dramatics of your poem and this helps your poem to stand out. I did think it was interesting how when your walls came down the darkness came in, because usually when there are walls, the inside is dark and you are trying to contain the darkness inside. Seeing you use it opposite to that was interesting and worked well for what you were trying to exemplify. Also, was the beast in this poem supposed to not like you, or was it just supposed to be carelessly reckless? I think that should be a bit more clear because the way you show the beast, they have clearly wronged you, but when you show its interactions with you it stares "blankly back" which just shows that it doesnt care or understand. So my only advice to you is to make that a bit more clear, other than that i loved this! :) Good Job!
LaChouette GOLD said...
on Aug. 30 2013 at 10:40 am
Thank You!
LaChouette GOLD said...
on Aug. 28 2013 at 11:03 pm
Thank You!
LaChouette GOLD said...
on Aug. 28 2013 at 11:01 pm
Thank You!
midnightwoah said...
on Aug. 28 2013 at 9:16 pm
Very emotional. Sorry it took me so long to respond, I have school again! I love your imagrey.
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Favorite Quote:
“And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.”<br /> - George Carlin